It's a while now that I've not been attending to this blog as regularly as would fulfil me.
When the blogsite was kindly set up for me, it was announced on my website as
a space where Silke dreams her dreams, speaks her mind, shares her journey and sometimes disappears from - a sign that she's enjoying her solitude.
A lovely disclaimer, "enjoying her solitude".
But my infrequent blogs these months have not been due either to enjoyment or solitude; they have been due to a heavy heart that will not speak.
Way back (nearly forty years ago), a fellow at my old school gave me a note, on which was written:
To understand people, you have to be able to hear what they are not saying. What, perhaps, they will never be able to say.
I did not understand why he gave me the note and I don't remember him telling me why he did. At the time I assumed he was sharing something of his own, painful silence, but now I wonder whether he sensed something about me instead?
There is much focus, in this time, on truth, exposure of lies, on revelations, clearing blockages and festering obstacles on all kinds of levels - economic, political, social, racial, spiritual and psychological.
All through this time now, my heart feels strained, broken, aching, sometimes panicky.
A heart is a place of very few, choice words.
Perhaps the only words that can be at home in a heart are 'I love you', and variations thereon.
Those words and their variations fulfil the purpose of words as cups of mystery, cups filled with the elixir of a kind of pure existence: I am, you are, we be, and how strange and lovely is that.
It may be age, it may be the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune - whatever it is, there is great, urgent, profound and uncompromising need, in the heart writing this, to retreat. To be a leaf, melting gradually into its own ungreening.
Writing these words give ease. The metaphor conveys me into the foliage my soul needs.
I am no longer strong enough for any other kind of habitat, other kinds of words.
Living in peace is possible (for me) only when words are respected for the sacred vessels they are.
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| Painted papyrus by Eva van Belle |
